How Parenting Books and College Books are More Alike than They are Different
Books about kids and books about the college decision are very similar to parenting books, and both can have similar pitfalls.
No one has all the answers when it comes to parenting, and no one has all the answers when it comes to kids & college.
But no matter if you read the books or not, you still have to be a parent, and you still have to guide your child or children through the college experience, including how they or you will pay for it. How to decide what is helpful and what is less than helpful?
Some of the best parenting books in my parenting journey—and I’ve read dozens— have not been ones I follow to the letter. Rather, they have helped me look at things differently, and offer a fresh approach.
The Price You Pay for College
Ron Lieber’s new book, The Price You Pay for College is that one of those better books. It offers a lot of food for thought, resources, and ways to think about the college decision. I would have found it especially helpful about five or six years ago, when we were a few years away from our oldest’s college decisions, but I found it a good read even as our youngest prepares to enter college this fall.
The subtitle of The Price You Pay for College is An Entirely New Road Map for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make, perhaps proving that editors are the ones writing the subheads on books. (Book subtitles are a quirky interest of mine, and I believe many or most are not the first choice of the author, but written to be as catchy as possible. But I digress.)
How It’s Organized
The book is divided into five parts; some are more practical than others.
Part 1: The Price and Cost of the College and the Systems Behind it
These five chapters cover some specifics about the FAFSA (how schools decide about ), merit aid, and more. Helpful overviews and perspective about why college costs so much these days. Useful background.
Part 2: The Unhelpful Feelings You May Feel
This shortest section of the book helps readers explore the fear, guilt, and the pull of snobbery and elitism that undergird some of the decision-making process of families for college. This section allows parents to examine their thoughts and feelings regarding if, when, and where their children go to college.
Some of the unhelpful emotions may be more common in more privileged or “coastal” families, who have an “Ivy League or bust” attitude towards college. But any parent will find it good to read and contemplate.
Part 3: Value—Things Worth Paying For
At 12 chapters, this is the longest section. While there are some helpful ideas in here, the answers to the advice questions is often “sometimes yes, sometimes no.”
For instance: is a small college better or not? Is diversity important? Are women’s colleges better for women? Do amenities at schools matter or not? And so on.
If you have to skim or skip some chapters of the book, this is that section–consider picking what’s most relevant to your situation.
Strongest here was Chapter 17: “Genuinely Reinvented Career Counseling Offices,” outlining how well many colleges have become at placing their graduates in internships and full-time jobs.
Discerning parents & students will take away what they value and leave the rest behind from this section.
Part 4: “Money-Saving Hacks That Will Tempt You”
In this seven-chapter section, Lieber runs through an assortment of money saving (or not) ideas. He explores whether these are a good idea or not: community college and transfer; honors colleges & programs; attending college abroad, athletic scholarships, taking a gap year, the military.
An example of the advice here: Lieber does not believe starting at community college and transferring to a four-year-school is a good idea for most kids. In general, I disagree, but he points out factors parents or kids may want to consider.
Part 5: “The Plans—Saving, Talking, Touring, Bargaining, and Borrowing”
Here is where Lieber gets specific in offering advice about saving (start early and let compounding work its magic), deciding, and paying for the college experience.
Probably the most important and helpful chapter is 34: “All the Student Loan Basics in One Tidy Place.”
This chapter provides a good general overview of how student loans work, how much money students can take out as an undergraduate, and how parents might decide to take out loans or not to help their kids through college.
Key Takeaways, Quotes, Bonuses, and More
One of the most useful constructs of the book: choosing what element of college is most important to you:
- learning (academic excellence and opportunity),
- kinship (making lifelong friends, meeting a spouse),
- credential (having a degree from a top-notch school for prestige or grad school).
Parents and kids can think about ranking them, since all are important, but knowing what is important to you (and your teen) is key.
Quotable quotes:
“I hope this book helps you to be much more emotionally honest with yourself. How might your feelings about this powerful—and powerfully expensive—transition point in the life of your family affect your decision-making in all sorts of ways?”
-Ron Lieber, The Price You Pay for College
“A great education is never given–it is taken.”
–David Coleman, head of the College Board, quoted in “The Price You Pay for College”
Surprising bonuses
- The many book recommendations sprinkled throughout for further reading. Interested readers could request any of these books at a local library and peruse. I have read many of them, but I look forward to read How College Works, The End of College, and The Transfer Playbook.
- The common data set, a set of statistics colleges are required to keep and display on their websites annually. I did not know that this existed, and it is a really useful way to compare colleges.
Pro Tip: Google the college and “common data set”—to see the fairly lengthy document with all the data on the college website. But it’s daunting to sift through. I discovered a website called “Edmit” that provides an easy-to-read summary of the common data set. Try Googling “Edmit” and your school, and you can see the diversity of information there.
Quirky or Interesting
Lieber clearly has a love of Wooster College in Ohio, so much so that he has an entire chapter—20 — called “How the College of Wooster Puts It All Together.”
Featured in Media
Many podcasts featured Ron Lieber in recent months, and it’s hard to pick a favorite because Lieber’s style is engaging and enjoyable. And Lieber mentions Wooster College is almost every interview. 🙂
Some favorites:
*Jesse Meacham interviews Lieber on the You Need a Budget podcast.
*The Motley Fool Answers podcast.
*Happier Podcast with Gretchen Rubin.
My Recommendation
This is a worthy read for parents with kids of any age, but the sweet spot would be parents whose oldest child is in early high school (or earlier).
And parents of young kids might find it a helpful skim read to get a feel for the current landscape. Even parents like me who have kids in college or almost in college would find it useful and informative and good for a discussion with the family.
Companion Read
Love-Centered Parenting: The No-Fail Guide to Launching Your Kids by Crystal Paine. This may seem like an odd companion read, but it’s really quite relevant and fits well with Lieber’s book.
Lieber’s quote (see “quotable quotes” above) about the “emotional honesty” through the college decision-making process was on my mind as I read Love-Centered Parenting.
That’s because Paine spends much of her book encouraging parents to examine their own motives, background, and fears as they raise kids, and work to love their kids well and not assume a formula for good parenting will work to make kids happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. She starts that by sharing (with permission from her child) one of her children’s severe challenges and how it changed Paine’s entire perspective on the goals of parenting.
About the author: Crystal Paine is the founder of MoneySavingMom.com, a website with deals, money saving and making tips, and more. Her podcast, the Crystal Paine Show, is how I discover her, and it’s a positive, lovely listen—whenever I listen to an episode, I find it uplifting and/or useful. Paine’s devout Christian belief informs all her writing. Love-Centered Parenting is no exception. Yet even parents who do not share Paine’s faith can learn so much from the book.
Subtitles … Again
When I first read the subtitle The No-Fail Guide to Launching Your Kids I actually rolled my eyes. (Again, my intense interest in subtitles and how they came to be). But Paine reflects that she herself wrote the subtitle, not to shame parents but as a reminder of parents’ true job. The subtitle is a reminder that “no-fail” does not mean our job as parents is not to raise brilliant kids, or adults, or kids who get into a great college and have a wonderful experience there. Instead, our job is to be faithful to our vocation as parents, love our children well, and work on relationship, not outcomes.
For Paine, that means focusing on four roles or “choices” we have as parents:
- 1: lean in and love (kids don’t need our productivity; they need our presence)
- 2: listen well (relationship-based parenting, not rules-based parenting)
- 3: lead with humility (set a good (not perfect) example by admitting your mistakes, sincerely asking for forgiveness when we have messed up, and being open to learn)
- 4: let go (parenting from faith, not fear; stop parenting to protect your reputation, stop micromanaging, and start saying yes more)
“Loving our kids well doesn’t require our child to obey, to be kind, or to love us back,” Paine writes. “Parents, God has equipped you to be the best parent for the kids He has given you.”
How does this fit in with helping one’s children through the college decision process and college itself? By parents recognizing that their best “fit” for their child(ren) from our desires and plans.
Have you read either book? What do you think about them?
